Fetish

Friday, June 06, 2008

Ah yes. So I have been to Bangkok and back. And an added $2000 added trip to the hospital.
Argh. Eugh. A suspected case of appendicitis and food poisioning combined.
I was admitted and yes it was my first ; stayin in a hospital. several injections, on drips, CT scan, the 'gorgeous sleek and chiq' blue gown likened to those of Vera Wang.(pahhhh)
Ok my feeble and pathetic attempt at a joke again.

Trip was good. i anticipate one with the girl friends!
yeahp, it was jus me and my cousin. two females. nothing to worry about. other than stupit annoyin dumbwits of taxi drivers who simply jus DO NOT switch on their meters and jus quote you off hand prices.
right . lookin forward to my hongkong one next and perhaps NEW YORK very much later in the year to visit the cousin. certainly with extra caution for my sensitive stomach.

Okay, on a more serious note ...
I have been contemplating to shut the blog for good. I agree . with my readers(action ah), that my posts have become rather 'cryptic' , or 'codeish'.
God knows why. And furthermore, its turning out to become a habitual platform of angst blast.

So I almost got down to deleting it about a week back, when I went to previous posts, and I realised that this blog has been around since 2004! wow.
4 years. but only 261 posts to date.
And so i read the posts, and I laughed at my innocence(i'd like to believe so), my immaturity and my silly silly daily happenings.
I havent read them all yet. It was gettin abit dreary and tiring. They all sounded the same, what I did, what friends I needed to say hi to .
I havent read the later posts in about these 2 years. And I m sure they have evolved abit more. For better for worse I dont know.

I never meant for this blog to be a world-awakening one, a society-challenging one. Neither did I want it to be bimbotically silly. But yes, I did express certain of my principles , certain values which I stand strongly for and I did reinstate my stand on several issues.

But I do know that, there are people who are reading this blog , and it somehow is a connection from you to me, even though you dont talk to me.
It has been and still is. Some of you slip in and out of my life, and this blog is perhaps the only non ego-fufilling way of maintainin contact with me or our memories.

I appreciate it. I really do. And sometimes, no, actually ALL the times, when someone says I read your blog , I read this, Or yeah I know this through your blog, trust me, I am sincerely touched from the bottom of my heart. Fear not, I don't think you are any stalker. Because I know I am no fantastic engaging writer. And you took the effort (or maybe you just kaypoh kaypoh abit ah.hah!)

So , I'd like to thank all of you , for acknowledging that I exist somehow still in your lives and an extra HUGE thank you to those who always check on me after an angsty post, have my blog as your favourite page,or even on your desktop, (but not my new hp number?)

I am not going through a personality overhaul nor I am in depression mode . I am just ,well , perhaps growing up abit more .
And realising that certain things need to be revalued... And certain aspects of my life which I wish to change or can do without.

I will leave the blog for a while . Probably I will delete it after I have read all the posts. And perhaps I wont .

But this will be my last blogpost. And if you sincerely want to keep in contact with me, please just do it. I will always say this, because I truly believe it ; that ego should never come between a friendship or a relationship.
I have tried, and sometimes, you just need two hands to clap. So to those who still insist on being backstage , I virtually shake ur hand (I just have to be LAME abit) and say goodbye.

to those of you who have been always there, I am not oblivious.

Biscuitboy (used to ah)
Ashwhiny(I wont forgot how you set up this whole blog for me)
Pravind
Yoga
Candyman
Thank you

To those of you who I dont know and you peek in at times, hello?Maybe you could say hi. In real-life. And of course, to those who I have angered through the blog, (some loser wanting to beat me up and all), oh well. I wont say sorry , because what I said, I meant. And yes, the NEW msn add is satoishini@hotmail.com .

'What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories' -George Eliot(1819-1880)

Shini : 3:57 PM

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Alright.

I m tired. after dance. dance class.
yes yes for the production comin up soon.

other than that, I am flying off to Bangkok. Sat 31 to Tues 03.

After that would be to Hongkong again!

Argh. Everytime i Go overseas, camera screws up on me.
Canada, I used a normal non-digital camera. so the photos are in print. and i m REALLY lazy to scan them. Theere are really quite alot. and yes, as u might have realised, the quality isnt that fantastic. But i have gorgeous shots of snow and beautiful frosted trees.

And the first trip to Hongkong, the pics are jus missing!
I really dono where the F they are. tried searching and i presume i must have lost them in the process of losing my computer.

Alright, besides that, the chummy buddies checkin on me every now and then. THANK GOD for you all lar!
i really DO love u guys.
Alright, besides the emo, I need the break. away......

And yes , I really need to learn to save. LIKE SERIOUSLY.
I realised, that I am extremely spoilt and I really spend money like water. And I am always lookin for nonsense to buy. that half of which I am not using, and its jus staring at me in its plastic cover, or hidden somewhere dusty and musky .
I am gettin increasingly petrified at my management of finances, what with the holidays all comin up and the compelling need to buy buy buy . everythin is on a god damn sale.

TSK. I fear. and really, online shopping CAN get pretty daymn addictive. My new laptop is growin onto me( yes yes , my sony oh-so-gorgeous vaio brown lizard) i have a penchant for reptiles. lizards, snakes, dragonnnnns. Hah.

and the damn POSB card. I should have NOT relented to my father's requests to gettin me one.. I am never gettin a VISA or a debit card. Please do slap me if I ever do.

And I am getting HELL lot of cravings these days.

Alright, toodles. I need orange juice. And i m runnin off in my PJs to get 'um

Shini : 11:23 PM

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Am i not allowed to feel pain?

Dont I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on?

Selfish selfish selfish.
ego .

words . really unnecessary.
hostility.

u forgot . ur pauses . ur hesitance. so much for goin thru thick and thin.

why is it an excuse for all of you. its so SELFISH.

and you. after all we shared, u killed everythin.
sad i understand, ur angst i understand, but hate?
every SINGLE damn thing crumbled.

I DONT PROMISE what i cant deliver.
you DID. you said EVERYTHIN. and of course, YOU turn the arrow to me.

yes, lets all do the EASIER thing.
blame the other one, get angry, put our pride before every fucken goddamn emotion , be selfish, be alone.

u know the one common thing between the two of you?

u both taught me to NEVER give my trust ever.
i gave all , i dared to.
i will never , and i dont think i can henceforth.
back to square one.

THE END.
for real.

Shini : 11:47 PM

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I shall begin with how my room is in DIRE need of cleaning. clothes are EVERYWHERE , papers are flying. its really Really bad. theres only enough walkin space from my bed to the door, from the door to the mirror/my cupboard.

I dont know how i got so lazy. actually i do. I have become a BUM!

haha not that I am complaining.

And really increasingly weak willpower. to clean, do the dishes, my laundry, blah and blah.

anyways, i did my first buy online from ebay. Victoria's Secret bag and a Victoria Secret's top!

boy i was SO excited to get it thru mail.. i was like checking it everyday.

my materialistic desires have jus become more urm, let's say, extensive.

I keep shoppin. the atm card is evil. i should have just politely declined my dad's offer to open up a bank account .

Yes yes, i have had a new haircut. Honestly, I have heard good and bad. All of my life, I have heard pretty hilarious stuff about my hair. (when i was growin up that is)

and u know what, I really laugh when people dont like my hair or give me really crude comments. because I dont care. And I have seriously come to realise and acknowledge that those who dislike this, are more of the conservative typical people who think a girl should have orderly hair. (which is rebonded straight long hair, black, else dark brown)

Please lar,I am as indian as I can be. I dont dismiss my Indian-ness. But I certainly am different.

:) From you , you and YOU.

And honeys, I dont expect those bunch of you to appreciate style anyways.

But, I have had my fair share of good compliments. Thankew very much.

I will enjoy this as much as I can.

Till my curls creep up and frizz the hair of course.

alrights, i shall post up soon enough.

Shini : 12:08 AM

Friday, April 11, 2008

hey ho dumble bo..

I m currently at work (surprise)
and i m absolutely bored. and tired. my limbs need some dancing . and i basically need a hug .
and a good springy roasted chicken with fresh roman iceberg lettuce PLEASE.
and a good chilled beer.

i dono where the cravings are comin from. perhaps from the fact that i have not been havin good solid satoishini-stomach-satisfyin meals for the past 2 weeks.

Grr.

I currently am suffering from the moments AGAIN. the moments where you have so many issues in your head swimming ,dyin to get out in black and white print but dies the minute i type in my log-in name for blogger.com.
DAMN lar.

I m currently into hindi movies. I have somewhat engraved in my brains that true love, fantasy, romance in its good essence all remains purely in movies.
So I am enjoyin the movie galore.
but of course i immediately stop the movie the moment i sniff a bad sad despondent ending.
like for Fana.

funny isnt it? ask my friends. they would probably tell you i m almost a sadistic realist. i m practical. logical and all that.
but I HATE sad movies. or stupid damn cliff hangers.
i do NOT watch them again or at least i watch them with the happy ending i configured on my own in my head.

boys.men. guys. stoopeed idiots.
enough is enough lar.
grrr .
clearly emotional hence the incoherent language . pardon it please

on a lighter note, i m BUSY.
with productions,(inform you guys more at a closer date
work
tuition
friends
family

and i have lost some friends in this process i think. from then end of my a levels to the holidays.
hence the awkward hellos, the shuffling of feet, scurrying away to be unnoticed, random small talk.

argh .

yes, i love dressing up for work. hence i m still continuing to work. besides, i take it that i get paid to get dressed up . (and do some shitty work of course)
i m becoming a dumb blonde( can make it lar with the streaks)
speakin of which , i need a new hairDO.

Shini : 4:12 PM

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The face of pain . trust candyman to catch the point so quick eh.

hahaha

i would post the pic . but then again i would not.
see it for real

i m givin tuition! and honestly, i like it. no no its not the imposition of ideas(draw a concept map, highlight), the bullying (2 what donkeys ah? where your units)...
but just the small minute joy of them understanding what you are tryin to put across..

I now clearly understand to the full extent how silly my excuses might have sounded to my tuition teachers , how transparent I was when i dint know somethin..

i lost the tuition record book.
left my textbook in school. couldnt do homework.
i came back damn LATE everyday. (where at this juncture, mom screams from back 'NO YOU CAME IN EARLY. SLEEPIN ALL YESTERDAY!')
i only had maths tuition thru out .
and i did sleep.

i m havin fun . definitely. and i m takin it as a challenge for my 2 boys to do well.

sometimes i feel like i m in a whirl of emotions.
and it takes a damn long while to get out of it. daymn!

Shini : 3:56 PM

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

My my ! I realised how I have not posted a single post for year 2008!

tsk.

I bet no one reads this any more. Oh wells.

I just find it slightly cumbersome to borrow the laptop from the brother and by the time everythin loads. and seriously, I am not one who's enslaved by technology completely and think without that, I am nothing. Yes Yes, I have grown up. Haha.

Besides, its freaking annoying when the computer hangs or something goes wrong.

Golden words canNOT be repeated. Or at least cannot be typed again.

Much has happened. New year in a plane. I dint even get to experience new year.

I was in Minneaspolis on the eve . And by the time i reached tokyo , it was the first already.

And I was way too anxious to get home after 3 freakin flights. Thank you!

I dint have a digital cam. so the pics are all in paper.

I m way too lazy to scan the pictures and upload them.

Canada was certainly a relaxing trip. I love , absolutely LOVE Boxin day!

We cant have one in Singapore though. Nah-ah!

we would be dead chickens .

So yes, i Did shop abit. And certainly do regret for not shopping more.

hur hur.

Worked in SINDA. For 2 weeks . Quit.

Lousy environment. Seriously. Only reason i worked was for my boss. My neighbour who was a gentleman of course.

only fun was dressing up of course. I dont give a shit and I am certainly not gonna wear undo clothes like all of you . Doh!

Its in times like this that I discover tops still with their tags on. And I of course ingeniously mix-and-match..

MY birthday, simple affair. But that as the reason, I met and renewed friendships. Which I am certainly very happy for!

Haha.

I am beginning to dread shopping . everythin is the SAME. Its starting to get annoyin at how everyone dresses similarly.

N the shops sell the same blardy thing.

Grr.

Basic seperates seem to be the best option these days.

Tsk.

Yes and the much asked about results is takin so damn long to come.

Mind you, I am not anticipating them in joy but I m certainly dreadin the wait.

Good or bad, I wanna take it and swallow it.

Besides the numerous bad dreams I am havin are SiCKeningly Unpleasant thank you very much!

Grr.

Just give us the date .

On a slightly wild note, I have gotten inked!
haha.
I love it ！ Ta ha ha.

Shini : 12:30 PM